VELOCIPASTOR - GLENN REVIEW

2018 | DIR: BRENDAN STEERE | STARRING: GREG COHAN, ALYSSA KEMPINSKI | REVIEW BY GLENN COCHRANE.

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Lets not get too hasty here. I know it's easy to dismiss VELOCIPASTOR based on the title and the premise... Actually – STOP - what the hell am I saying? This is essential and cannot be ignored. Take one Christian pastor, infect him with dinosaur DNA and pit him against merciless ninjas. The movie practically writes itself.

That is the premise for a new micro-budget indie flick making headlines around the world (yes, it's had coverage). Director Brendan Steere funnels all of his enthusiasm into VELOCIPASTOR, as well as audaciousness, absurdity and spirit. With loose change in his pocket he has conjured up a low-rent lampoon with “cult status” written all over it.

​When his parents are killed outside of his parish before his very eyes, pastor Doug begins to lose his faith. Seeking guidance from his senior he is told to disappear and travel to where God doesn't exist, and should God find him there, he will know his place in the world. With a backpack slung over his shoulder Doug ends up in China (aka American woodlands), only to find himself in the crosshairs of ninja warriors. When he stumbles on to a dinosaur bone he becomes infected by its curse and is pursued by the ninjas. When back in America Doug blacks out and becomes Velocipastor, a human dinosaur with a taste for blood. Look out world, Doug is on the rampage.

​What ensues is an outlandish exercise in low-brow comedy that exploits itself with its tongue firmly in its cheek. Gather your mates, crack open a few beers and behold VELCIPASTOR in all of its ridiculous glory. The first impression is how cheap it looks, and you will experience the urge to turn it off... but stick with it. The second Doug lands in China and befriends a prostitute before killing her pimp, Steere's intentions become clear. Once fully metamorphosed Doug rampages across the screen looking like Barney the Meth-head Dinosaur while tearing bag guys to shreds with his rubbery mouth and bendable teeth. What a crack up!

The cast get the joke and play it well. Greg Cohan leads the show with an overacted soap-opera quality that fits the brief, while everyone else follows suite. This is not the type of movie one would critique the players performances, and so we'll leave it at that.

In all seriousness, yes, VELCIPASTOR is a fucking awful movie... but it's that type of awful movie that we love to celebrate. “So bad its good” is redefined and I am reminded of Hollywood director John Landis's first feature film, Schlock!, which boasted the same brand of humour, an equally shit-house creature-design (maybe not THIS shit-house) and a tongue-in-cheek courageousness. Landis was just lucky to have made his movie at a time of film and celluloid, whereas Steere is at the mercy of the digital era.

Join the chorus of passionate cult-movie fans and embrace VELCIPASTOR for what it is. Support its talented director and look forward to his career's inevitable upward trajectory.... am I overselling it? I don't care. It's hilarious.