VELOCIPASTOR - ALEX REVIEW

2018 | DIR: BRENDAN STEERE | STARRING: GREG COHAN, ALYSSA KEMPINSKI | REVIEW BY ALEX MAYNARD.

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Way back in 2011, writer/director/editor Brendan Steele released a short film purporting to be a trailer for an upcoming feature called ‘The Velocipastor’. Although it reached an impressive audience (over 45000 views on YouTube at the time of writing), nothing about the short suggested an obvious need for a follow-up. Yet here we are: THE VELOCIPASTOR is Steele’s feature-length remake of his semi-famous short, one which improves upon the original in every conceivable way. This is a truly odd comedy that delights in shattering expectations, going far beyond its pun of a title and mining the conventions of film itself to deliver a constant barrage of silliness. Depending on your sense of humour, THE VELOCIPASTOR will either be the funniest film you’ll see all year, or borderline unwatchable. Anyone who falls into the latter category has no idea how much fun they’re missing out on. ​

The film’s opening scenes introduce us to Doug Jones (Greg Cohan), a young priest who witnesses the sudden and tragic death of his parents outside his church. Even in these brief moments, THE VELOCIPASTOR’s subversive ambitions shine through and will have game viewers instantly hooked. While I won’t completely spoil it here, I suggest viewers pay attention to the VFX throughout. His faith understandably shaken, Doug takes a sabbatical to China, which looks like a random hill that could be literally anywhere. However, Steere’s script makes sure to set the scene by having Doug loudly exclaim “China!” as soon as he steps into frame.

Naturally, Doug is soon granted the ability to transform into a dinosaur after accidentally being cut by a mysterious artefact. Upon returning home, his new powers save the life of a prostitute named Carol (Alyssa Kempinski) and he becomes convinced to use them for good. Cohan and Kempinski thankfully show a clear understanding of the self-awareness Steere’s vision demands, as they each nail the transitions between melodrama and awkward line readings which epitomise THE VELOCIPASTOR. For instance, Doug seems more horrified to learn about Carol’s job than when he is shown the corpse of his first victim. Likewise, the cheesy montages intended to show their characters falling for each other become a brilliant exercise in cringe comedy through the pair’s uncomfortable smiles and laughter.

​Yet despite how much I enjoyed the entire cast’s perfectly suited performances, my favourite aspect of this film is how regularly Steere delivers something completely unexpected. Even within the bizarre premise outlined above, there’s somehow still room for a wartime flashback with a laugh-out-loud funny climax, a subplot about drug-dealing ninjas that disappears as quickly as it’s introduced, and a sex scene edited to more closely resemble a music video for the cliché indie rock song playing in the background (to name just a few examples). Perhaps the biggest surprise is the handful of more conventional jokes, which land just as effectively thanks to the script’s palpable confidence. Take Carol’s pimp, Frankie Mermaid (Fernando Pacheco De Castro), who we are told is named such because he’s “swimming in bitches”; I would argue this is about as close to objectively funny as screenwriting can get.

At a mere 75 minutes’ runtime including credits, I suggest anyone remotely interested in THE VELOCIPASTOR let their curiosity take over. Despite being clearly aimed at fans of the ‘so bad it’s good’ sub-genre, the sheer self-awareness and variety on display here should provide every audience with at least a few laughs. Above all, this film is a bold declaration of Brendan Steere’s comedic talent and is hopefully just a hint of what’s to come from the multihyphenate. If a chuckle-inducing pun was all it took for him to achieve such a distinct vision, I can’t wait to see what hilarious project he comes up with next. 

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